Let’s get one thing straight: I’m a kept cat. I’m accustomed to a certain level of luxury and status in my life. I have two human servants that exist to pamper me. I get treats feed to me by hand any time I request. I have total command of the couch at all times, and most days, get the best spot on the Tempur-Pedic bed.
I’d finally gotten my humans properly trained and they decide to make me learn new skills. Here’s what they’ve been putting me through:
Survival Training Level 1: Harness and Leash
One day I was minding my own business when my humans put this strange contraption on me. It must have weighed 150 pounds. I had to hunch down, get close to the ground, and walk very slowly while I built up the strength to support it on my body. Once I was moving easier, they attached this long strap to it. I don’t think they know what they are doing. Don’t they know I’m a cat? At least it’s better than the sweater they made me wear once.
Survival Training 2: Balcony
I spent 5 years looking longingly out at the condo balcony. My humans would periodically go out there and all I could do was watch from behind the window screen. Well, I finally got my chance and went out there. It wasn’t interesting. I walked around the perimeter trying to figure out what drew the humans out there in the first place. It remains a mystery.
Survival Training 3: Front Door
Next the humans took me out the front door with that same silly “leash”, as they call it. They said I could go anywhere I wanted, but I decided to stay very close to the door. Why would I strain myself going down the stairs to the first floor? There can’t be anything worth my time down there.
Survival Training 4: Downstairs
Just when I though they’d had enough, the humans did the worst possible thing they could do to me. The girl picked me up, carried me out the front door, and what was lurking out there for me? The neighbor dog! We are NOT friends! I’ve never been so close to a mangy, uncouth beast in my life! I was scared and sure that the training would immediately conclude for emergency reassessment. As soon as the dog went away however, down the stairs we went. I enjoyed walking around in the sun and sniffing the flower beds…just a little.
Survival Training 5: Into the Truck
In this training session, the boy lifted me into a moving prison. I absolutely hated sitting between my two humans, on the plush padded seats, with them petting and talking to me the whole time. I decided to cry for all 20 minutes of my ride in the contraption.
Survival Training 6: Into the Travel Trailer
The same day I moved into what was explained to me as my “new home.” Bleh. Each time they move me, it’s into smaller living quarters! I will surely send the ASPCA notice of this slum. At least there’s something in the back of the trailer they are calling the “Lynx Lounge.” I think it’s appropriately named; I am the most important member of the family. Why shouldn’t I have my own lounge? I quickly chose a spot on the back couch where I could sprawl out and see the campground outside. There look to be plenty of kids and squirrels to entertain me.
Survival Training 7: On the Road
I hear the last and final training session will consist of an extended truck trip. This sounds like a test I have no intention of passing. I’ll probably cry and pout until I’m too tired to continue the performance for even one minute more. I might use the litter box or I might just pee on the humans. I’ll have to play it by ear.